Inspiration?

"You don’t know the impact you left behind. You cannot see the tears he cried, you cannot hear the thoughts sweeping across his mind time and time again, and you cannot know the feelings that touched his heart because of you. All you can ever do is live up to the tears he cried and extends beyond what he thought of you, reminding him that his feelings were not in vain. His happiness now is not a fruitless endeavor, but a reminder that you once were the reason for his bliss. Don’t let bitterness overcome you as he moves toward the future, but let your constant smile make his absence a moment of the past rather than a tear of the present."

A Timely Gift

I think the best part of life is that it's unexpected. No one wrote a guidebook or Life for Dummies. How can words really do justice the feelings I feel? Sometimes my breathing will get harder and my head will get hot, and I'll be thinking of regretting moments from the past semester, from high school, and even the times when I was just a little kid.

I remember this one time . . . I had wanted this bike. I already had an old bike, but I really wanted this particular bike. It had these colorful stones on the spikes of the wheel, and I thought that it was the best bike I had ever seen. I didn't want the hand-me-down bike from my sister - I wanted this special bicycle. I remember my dad looking at me and trying to convince me that my sister's old bike was just as nice as that colorful bike that I wanted. It was an 8-speed bike that rode just as smoothly. But I couldn't be swayed. Eventually, my dad gave in and bought me that bike I had so desired.

I can't tell you how many times I wish I wouldn't have done that. I know that my dad surely doesn't hold any feelings of resentment against me for "being a kid," for wanting something that I didn't need without realizing the costs involved. Yet if I could take that back . . . I would.

I've never forgotten that story. It's a good one. It's a story that reminds me that I've done a lot of stupid things, even (or should I say, especially?) when I was younger.

I think that everyone has stories from the past, and slowly, everyone's writing his own life story. Maybe it's unnatural for someone to bring up a story that's regretful, as silly as it is, but it's a part of my life, and I'll never forget it.

There are parts of my life that I get impatient to live through, yet I keep trying to focus on the present. I've always been a person to focus on the future . . . what is it about the present that makes it difficult to focus in on?

It's easy to daydream about the future. It's sad and rewarding to think about the past. But to enjoy the present - that time that's getting written as I speak . . . wow. Now that's something.

So She Wonders

So for those who do visit my blog, you can see that it's...changed. Don't know how much I'm really a fan of the changes, but I'm planning to do some more different things when I find the time (that hasn't been wasted on something else or other).

It's interesting when someone mentions to you that he is searching for the meaning of life. No one has told me that recently, but I've been doing some contemplating of my own. While my eternal destiny rests in my Savior, my mind has been plagued about my future, what field I'm entering in, and what exactly to do with myself the next few years.

I tend to overthink, but I feel like the future is something that you can't keep putting off thinking about until tomorrow. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I should have planned better for those next years in my life.

While I'm an English Ed major right now, I can't help but feel confused. I want to get involved in the area where God wants me, but I'm still a little clueless as to where He wants me. I'm just relying on Him right now and praying that I'm doing what's right for my future. But to quote a clique statement that is appropriate: "God helps those who help themselves."

That statement has been interpreted in a number of different contexts, but this is my finding: yes, God will lead you where He wills, but He's not going to bless you for sitting on your butt and doing nothing.

Something else that I've talked about with friends and learned in Sunday School: The will of God isn't something that you discover, but something that you need to go out and do. No, I find myself wondering from time to time, What does God want me to do with my life? How am I supposed to know? Why can't He just write a message in the clouds?

If only life were that simple. Guess it would take away from the fun complexity of all life's craziness then - that, and the satisfaction of finding the answers to all of those probing questions you wondered about.

I'm still at the point, even at 20 years old, of trying to figure out exactly what I'm good at. I don't want to do something that I'm only mediocre or okay at performing - I want something where I can really make a living out of. Something that's going to give me a sense of accomplishment at th end of the day. Something that's going to encourage me to return to day after day. Something that I'm going to be able to use to help people. Something that I'm going to be able to turn around and not tell people "you're welcome," but instead smile, knowing that my life has been a blessing to someone else. That is what I'm looking for. That is what I'm searching for, and what I want to find. Some day maybe . . .

My mom seems to always "discover" the things I'm supposedly good at. She's always found the best in me when I never even knew I was half good at something. I'm really thankful that she's been one of the few people who's always encouraged me to pursue my dreams and reminded me that I am capable.

So right now, I'm here...searching, praying, thinking, hoping, dreaming, wondering, imagining...and so much more.

I'll Admit It . . .

Proofs that I have hideously bad luck:

1. I just misspelled "luck" up above as "look" and had to change it.
2. I wrote the wrong paper for my history class and have to write an entirely new paper.
3. I'm part of the 90% of Americans who want to quit their jobs but have no choice.
4. I am sick with only a cold, which gives everyone the liberty to say, "get over it, you're fine" while I really feel miserable.
5. My room has been messy for months and I have no found the time nor energy to clean it yet this summer.
6. I was supposed to send in my Sophomore Fieldwork Packet a month ago, but forgot.
7. This is a stupid list that I'm going to stop now . . .

So now that all of my complaining is out of my system (or so you hope, right?), I'll get over myself. Personally, I do have a lot to be thankful for, and if I really started making a numbered list of all those things, it would go faaaaaar beyond that list up there.

I had this conversation with myself that went on inside of my head tonight. I think I thought about at least ten life issues all at once and seemed to find the courage to forget my problems. At times, I get really depressed thinking about all of those times in my life that get me down. And sometimes, that quote pops into my head (which I will botch up), "Always try to be extra nice to people, because everyone is fighting some kind of battle." I guess it reminds me that I'm not alone . . . at all. Maybe that's what makes these hard times a little comforting - knowing that no matter what I'm going through, someone else is facing a hard time, too.

Another thing I think about . . . sometimes I wonder when everything's just going to end. When are all the hard times going to go away? I mean, I watch some of the people in my life and can't help but wish that sometimes I had things they had or wonder what it would be like to be someone else for a day. I don't want to be someone else - I don't think I've ever wanted to be anyone besides me - but sometimes I think about what it would be like to be in someone else's shoes for a day.

I'm learning this summer that you have to forcibly make yourself choose to be happy, especially when things are going downhill. Coming into this summer, I was expecting it to be incredible compared to the difficult semester that I was leaving behind me. But what's happened so far this summer? My job was changed, I've made a visit to the emergency room, I've missed too many days of work (which cuts my pay big time) due to being sick, my room is a complete wreck, I'm struggling in my college class, I've been sick three times, I and my friends got rained out at Six Flags (after weeks of planning), my plans got changed to go to Chicago, I got seriously lost in Wisconsin, I have no money, and now I have to rewrite a paper that I'm totally confused about.

Those things were not going through my mind as the "ideal" summer when I got in the car to drive home.

But those things are so petty when I look at it. Sure, they suck - I'll say it again - they really SUCK - but . . . they aren't the only things that have been part of my summer. Good things have happened . . . there is no dress code at the community college, I finally got a car, I had a great time with friends in Wisconsin, I work at the same place as my best friend, I've made new friends at my job, and I've had some good times with my family.

So I guess life isn't so bad after all . . .

I think that many times, it's much easier to point out the bad times in life in order to have pity on ourselves and to ask people in a nonverbal way to pity us as well. I know that everyone struggles, and that we all face hard times and need people to help us through them . . . but I'm learning that I can't let those difficult things hold me down.

What always scares me off from writing things down like this is feeling hypocritical. So many times, I've gotten down and it seems like the world has stopped spinning and I will never be able to get up. I've been there too often, but there isn't really a whole lot of fun. Therefore, I'm working on not getting down as often as I do and when I feel bad, that I don't let it get the best of me.

Good night, all.