Out for All To See

No.

I said no. I don't understand - I really, honestly don't.

Why has so much happened? Why are we going through all of these difficult times? Is this how everything was supposed to turn out?

I wish I had the answers - I wish I knew why all of this has happened. It seems like it's taken control over me. My life revolves around the neverending conflict. When will all of the drama end? When will all of the crap end? When will I stop caring?

How did I turn into this complete stranger that I don't even know any more? I miss the old times. I miss the old Kristin. I miss those times of being happy, not having a ca re in the world (or were those even existent?)

How can I be honest with the one person that seems to always turn the tables on me? I wish I knew how to handle this.

Here's a great quote: People suck, including myself. Yes, people suck.

You find out that no matter how much you may depend on certain people, they will let you down. What a depressing thought. We spend so much time devoting our lives, our beings to certain people - and then they turn around and stab you in the back. I don't mean to be pessimistic, though I have been that way in the past. But why is this sad story true? Why does this happen?

How can I go back to the past? How can I move on to the future? Why am I so stuck where I am? Why can't I seem to get past everything that has happened? Do the actions of the past have to determine my future? I can't change the past - I can only change the future. Thanks for the reminder, Lori.

I seriously look back on all that has happened this semester, and all that I really see is drama - strife - arguments - and sadness. People were hurt. People's hearts were broken. I'm no stranger to that - and no, I do not ask for your pity. I'm simply stating the facts.

How do people change how they feel so quickly? One moment they're in love with one person, the next, they've moved on to someone completely new. Do they think of that one person still? Or do they continue to not care? If only I knew . . .

Do you notice the recurring pattern? I have questions - lots of them. But I don't have answers. No, I don't have any answers. Where will I find them? Do I even know the answer to that question?

Yes. In fact, I'm in luck. And so are you . . .

I can walk down the street, and I see faces. I see people who are hurt, and people who have been hurt. Sadness is nothing new to the average person. It's a part of life. I go back to college, and almost every day I can spot at least one person who pervays a sad face, who looks depressed, who is just disappointed. No matter where I go, sadness is prevalent. And then I look at myself. I notice that so much of who I am has been made up of all the bad times. I give in to my tears. Yes, everyone cries from time to time. It's a fact. But wow, how much have I been sad lately? It's become controlling, dominating in my life. My sadness, my depression has literally overcome my entire being. I face the drama every day, every morning chapel, every evening meal, and I wonder if it will ever end. I can't help but wince when I see things happen. Somehow that horrible pit in my stomach just keeps coming back. Why do I let my circumstances control me so? Am I that emotionally weak, that unstable, that I cannot breathe because life won't allow me to enjoy it?

I think not. There is more to life than bad circumstance, then sadness, then this horrible feeling of being overcome. There is someone with a bigger plan, a bigger ideal in mind that gives me a reason for waking up everyday.

Who am I? Who is Kristin?

I refuse to let this unhappiness overcome me anymore. I refuse to remain under its strong power. I will not let it control me anymore. I am more than that. God did not intend for us to live our lives in a constant state of sadness - He had a better plan in mind, and how I've lived lately - well, that's certainly not what He wants, I'm sure.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this. I don't know if anyone even does read my blog. It's really not that important. I intended for this blog to be more of something fun, not really involving many serious thoughts of mine. I figure if I'm going to journal, I'm going to do it somewhere that's a little more personal, more private. But I feel like this can be out of the open. I feel like I should be - so here it is, people.