Sometimes, I Wonder.

Sometimes I just wonder. Oh, about many, many things. What? Well, for one, I think about other people and what they say. You and your friends obviously converse and other people are brought up in the conversation. Some good things may be said, and bad things are only inevitable. The scary part is putting yourself in the shoes of the person discussed.

Ever think about it?

I think people sometimes forget that they aren't the only ones who talk about people. They get talked about as well.

So why am I even talking about this? No, I did not find out that someone just talked bad about me. I just wondered.

I came across this person's profile on facebook, and I was thinking of some of the things said about this person. And then I thought - wow, this person has no idea that people talk about him/her.

It bothers me . . . a lot.

I know, it's a part of life, but it sucks! I don't want to be hypocritical here - I don't want to come across as not ever doing this. But I do think it is a problem. I just don't know a great solution.

Sometimes, I wonder why I put so much time into something that just isn't logical. Not exactly a thing - I mean, more like a relationship or a hobby or something that I enjoy. Well, okay, so I know why. Because it is important to me. But than that leads me to another question - why is that thing or person important to me? Well, because I enjoy spending time with that person or doing that thing. Which leads me to another question - why do I enjoy it?

Notice the spiral effect? Haha, I feel like a teacher that's doing a pitiful job of whatever it is I'm attempting. But do you see it? See, I was reading this book for my dev psych class called "Why You Do What You Do." This dude had some pretty interesting ideas spinning in his head - nothing I would exactly think, haha. But when it really comes down to it, we all do things or spend time with people because we are happiest when we're with certain people or doing certain things. What really sucks is sometimes you realize that you can't continue with that one thing that you want. Dang.

Sometimes I wonder . . . why do I want something that I know is probably not right - even after there have been enough people, signs, etc. telling me that I shouldn't even want it! Argh, I get so frustrated even thinking about it. Why?! Why would I want something that isn't right?

And sometimes I find it even funnier that while I'm going through something, I am so blind to the obvious answer, but the very moment I get out of whatever it is I'm involved with, the truth is staring me in the face, asking me why I couldn't take my eyes off of what I wanted for one second so I could think clearly!

The irony.

Haha.

Well, I wonder a lot. That's that.

I look forward to a better tomorrow.

Everything Under the Sun

Welcome to the end. It's almost over.



I can't wait :)



And then again . . . it's sad.



I'm quite random tonight.



Gavin Mikhail is rocking my world right now. Never heard him 'til now. Love him. Well, the two songs I've heard of him.



Like, I've been waiting and waiting for these past 3 weeks to hurry upppp. And now that everything is practically over . . . I don't know how to feel! It's like, I'm getting what I want - and then again, I'm not. Mostly, I'm desiring the change of setting, people, and life - but not for too long. I think everyone needs a break from time to time - I definitely do. But I'm dreading the moments when I wish I were back at school, with the routine, the life, the freedom, and the people. I wonder what it will be like!



Gosh, this semester has been QUITE the semester. What words could correctly describe all the events of the past couple months? I don't know if words would really grant those difficult days for what they were all worth, mind you. What a rollercoaster ride. Need I say more?



Okay, I'll keep talking! But only since you insist . . .



I think listening is seriously underestimated? Have I mentioned this before? Well, either way, I think those who have listening down seriously deserve a medal or something. I think someone who has the ability to sit and listen is overlooked much more than the one who has to express everything thought that comes across him mind, good or bad. I know I've been guilty of that a number of times - frankly, I'm ashamed. I'm thankful for those in my life that take the time to listen to my complaining, my problems, and my life, yet I struggle to give back to that person by listening to them (yes, I know pronoun/antecedent agreement is off - get over it, ha!).



Why do the best qualities get overlooked most? And along that line, might I add that some of the best people tend to get overlooked as well. Well, often, that is, in my opinion. I never really thought about this until Lori and I started talking one day. It's funny how people, I included, get an idea in their mind of what they desire that one "dream" guy or girl is to be - and then they even pick out one or two or however many people that they fill that description. And all along, there's that one person or that one friend - that one, single person who seems to be the friend, the one dependable, the one patient, understanding person in your life who seems to just be a "well, I could never like that person - he's my brother (or sister, for you guys out there)."



"Love and knowledge are vitally related, for the deepest kind of love is based on the fullest knowledge." Is this statement not true? Ryrie was really just referring to the specific love of the Holy Spirit, but I kinda wanted to apply it to relationships in general. Are not the relationships that you know most about the person (and vice versa) the strongest or deepest ones in your life? I'd have to say, my closest relationships are based upon knowledge, in a sense - those who I share intimate relationships with know me well - and I know them well, too.



Love hurts. A lot. One of my good friends once wrote, "When love begins to hurt, you're just beginning to learn how to love." Could such a quote only come from a 22 year old? Yes, my friends, indeed it can (haha, I feel like I'm preaching . . . but to whom?). Who could write such a thing? Someone who couldn't be stranger to the painful side of love. I know that everyone says "love is so much more than gushy feelings," but where do they go from there? Who really knows what real love is? I think people get this confused pretty easily - and that group includes myself. Which each new friendship and person in my life, and with each new semester of college, I slowly begin to grasp this "love that hurts" more and more. I didn't really think love was actually complicated. But it is.



This semester, I'm really struggling in my mind as how to really feel about everything - sounds weird, doesn't it? Let's think of how I should feel. Shouldn't I just feel? Why do I have to think about it? Well, I do, and that's that. I will think for the rest of my life. I have some odd memories of this semester, and to my disappointment (as well as others), probably more bad than good. Then again, those hard times usually yield the most growth. I've grown in areas that I neither wanted to (to begin with) or forsaw (I'm wondering if that's a word). I don't like to regret, but I honestly battle with not regretting past events, memories, circumstances - you get the picture. The comforting part to me is knowing that God does, indeed, have a reason for everything that He does in our lives. It's encouraging to know that everything that happens was supposed to happen!


Well, I'm tired and quality time with my pillow is calling my name loudly and clearly! Good night, world!

Living in the Present

I know I should be doing my homework. I know. But I can't get something off my mind. Something just hit me - I mean, wow - BAM! Didn't see that coming.

Welcome to the front row of my life for the next 5 minutes.

We really don't have any control, do we? I mean, life is continually changing - all we can do is attempt to go with the flow, right?

So much of me would love to go back to some of the good times. I didn't really think like this a whole lot before, but recently, yes, I will be the first to admit that the thoughts have passed through my mind. I know that things needed to happen. I know that what has happened has been difficult, but good. But to realize that life will never be like it was, even yesterday. It really put things into perspective for me.

You can never live yesterday again - no, not even today. You can replay all of last semester's happenings in your mind over and over again, but no matter how much you think about it, you can't go back. You can't go back to where your relationships used to be, and you can't change the events of the past. You can smile at the past, but then again, what good does that do you? It's nice to not have some regrets over certain times, but why bother focusing on that which cannot change?

Yes, the past is very important - but how much more important is the future? And then again, the present is overlooked entirely. So much emphasis is placed on what happened in the past and how to stop that from happening in the future. But what about the present? What about what is happening right now in life? I find myself always relinquishing the past and planning the future, that sometimes I forget to live life . . . right now! Why not live in light of the day, the hour, the moment rather than 3 months ago and five years from now?

These are such obvious questions - how do the obvious parts of life escape me so?

Here's a great quote. Don't know who said it, but whoever it was, he certainly had his head on straight:

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel . . . sometimes we have to go with 'whatever happens, happens.'"

A Different Perspective

How often do we view things from others' perspectives?


So Mr. Trainer told this awesome story in class. It would be a crime not to share with my fave 5.


Brian (young Mr. Trainer haha) was taking a journalism class in college. Everything's running smoothly until his best friend, Casey, walks into the room. Casey makes a loud entrance, sits down firmly in his seat and slams his books onto his desk.


After his disruption, the teacher walks up to him and asks him, "Do you have a problem?"


"Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I DO!"


For the next five minutes, Casey rips on the teacher, calling him unmentionable names. Casey hits the teacher, and then teacher gives him a good push back.


Finally, the teacher demands that Casey leave the room immediately. Casey storms out of the room and slams the door behind him.


Immediately, the teacher asks the entire class to pull out a piece of paper and pen, and write down everything that they just saw. After everyone writes down their version of what they saw, Casey walks back into the room, takes a seat in the back, and starts laughing.


It was a set-up.


Gotcha?


Yeah, he had me going there for a minute, too.


So what exactly was the point? When his teacher collected everyone's paper, everyone had told the exact same story - but differently. Everyone noticed different things, highlighted differences, and used completely different words. Yet they all witnessed the same event. I love it.

How often do I look at things from other people's perspectives? How often do I put myself in other people's shoes? I'm not really looking for a rebuke, but just trying to think about how often people try to see things from others' perspectives. Everyone sees things differently. Sometimes, it's a struggle to try to see life how other people see it - afterall, we all think differently.

I think you find the people that you are supposed to be the closest to, your closest friends, that significant other when you realize that you think most like those people. How can you establish a close relationship with someone when you think on completely different pages all the time? It's one thing to agree on a matter - it's another when you and that person really see most things the same way.

It's hard to really get close to a person when you just don't see things the way he or she does. I don't really think I'm in the dark in this conversation.

Thinking the same way (or in a similar way) is what really breaks the barrier between people and connects them. When you don't view things similarly, on what foundation can you establish a friendship, a relationship, or anything that's deeper then a nice acquaintance or distant friend?

I'm learning this semester to be more open to how others see life - and I'm also learning that I am closer to those who think more like I do. I know that since everyone is an individual, no ONE person will think exactly like I do, but I'm thankful that I'm not alone in how I feel about matters.

Those are the thoughts of the hour.

I'm Still Here

Wow, how much I've wanted to blog for sooooo long - well, friends, the time has finally come for fingers and keyboard to meet once again. And what a harmonious time they shall have.

Ahhh . . . I wonder how I shall mention everything that has been going on in only one post, and with so little time! Let me see what I can do . . .

Well, first, something that has been on my mind: It's amazing how "coincidences" happen. In other words, God remains anonymous. Okay, so I'm not exactly talking about some "miracle" that occurred in my life - I just experienced a time where I'm sure God was laughing at me. He must take these little moments to crack up at us sometimes, I think. So it's not exactly a funny experience at all, but I find it all very ironic. I had gotten ready early for once in my life, and I had been bothered by a lot of "stuff," I'll say, going on in my life. Frankly, I was just depressed - there are just some circumstances that really get me down. I'll be honest, I do pray often - but this time was certainly different. I hadn't done this in awhile, but I chose to just get down on my knees and pray. For those few minutes, I really just cried out to God and laid my heart in front of Him. After a few minutes, I left for chapel, and Mr. Wetzel, the singing director, was just saying how we were going to sing a song that we had not sung all year: Bow the Knee. I found it so ironic, and so cool, all at the same time. I know it may sound silly to most, but it's neat to see how God is in the middle of even the smallest details of our lives.

Singleness - has this been the hot topic of the week or what. First a conversation with our church group, followed by a lecture in class. It's funny how some of the same things keep coming up. Again, I find this ironic. The whole "debate" persay, was about whether someone would remain single if he had a desire to be married.

Argument A: Since I am in the center of God's will and am delighting myself in it, then he will give me the desires of my heart. Since I desire to be married, God will direct the right person into my life in His perfect timing.

Argument B: There is no such promise in the Bible that guarantees that someone will get married, even if he desires it. Some people were destined to be single, even against their desires.

And now for my opinion: I don't know. If I had to side with one argument or the other, I'd definitely be closer to argument B. I do believe that God will grant the desires of the Christian who is in the center of His will, but I also believe that God has a plan for each person and that He is able to change our desires to fit within His plan for us. I don't believe there is a guarantee to find that "perfect person" out there for each person. Sure, I struggle with this a little because I am another one of them single folk who desire to be married one day, but I'm not going to inherantly take the Bible out of context to comfort myself with the false security of being promised a future mate. I don't think we have the grounds to make that kind of claim.

As for more news . . . well, yesterday was a pretty exciting day. Well, kinda. Lori and I decided to do some shopping before the play - we were looking for some jewelry to match the dress that I had bought specifically to wear to the play. Instead, we ended up finding some sweet heels at Kohls. So I totally did not bring all that up just to bore you. When we left Kohls, we got into the car, and guess what? The car wouldn't start! Lori left her lights on, so we ended up enjoying a nice 45 minutes inside the car while it was pouring outside. Drew was able to help us out, and we made it back. Yay!

I could continue to blab for countless ages, but I'll spare all of you who have drooping eyelids. Hehe. I'll just end with a song that's been in my head for the past few days. It pretty summarizes exactly how I've been feeling. I didn't know that a song could come that close to relating to reality. Three cheers for Vertical Horizon.

"I'm Still Here"

I found the pieces in my hand

They were always there

It just took some time for me to understand

You gave me words I just can't say

So if nothing else

I'll just hold on while you drift away

Cause everything you wanted me to hide

Is everything that makes me feel alive.

The cities grow

The rivers flow

Where you are, I'll never know

But I'm still here

If you were right and I was wrong

Why are you the one who's gone?

And I'm still here

Still here . . .

Seeing the ashes in my heart

The smile the widest

When I cry inside and my insides blow apart

I tried to wear another face

Just to make you proud

Just to make you put me in my place

But everything you wanted from me

Is everything that I never could be.

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here

Maybe tonight

It's gonna be alright

I will get better

Maybe today

It's gonna be okay

I will remember

I held the pieces of my soul

I was shattered and I wanted you to come and make me whole

When I saw you yesterday

But you didn't notice

And you just walked away

Cause everything you wanted me to hide

Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow

The rivers flow

Where you are, I'll never know

But I'm still here

If you were right and I was wrong

Why are you the one who's gone

I'm still here

The lights go out, the bridges burn

Once you're gone, you can't return

But I'm still here

Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to runaway

But I'm still here

Out for All To See

No.

I said no. I don't understand - I really, honestly don't.

Why has so much happened? Why are we going through all of these difficult times? Is this how everything was supposed to turn out?

I wish I had the answers - I wish I knew why all of this has happened. It seems like it's taken control over me. My life revolves around the neverending conflict. When will all of the drama end? When will all of the crap end? When will I stop caring?

How did I turn into this complete stranger that I don't even know any more? I miss the old times. I miss the old Kristin. I miss those times of being happy, not having a ca re in the world (or were those even existent?)

How can I be honest with the one person that seems to always turn the tables on me? I wish I knew how to handle this.

Here's a great quote: People suck, including myself. Yes, people suck.

You find out that no matter how much you may depend on certain people, they will let you down. What a depressing thought. We spend so much time devoting our lives, our beings to certain people - and then they turn around and stab you in the back. I don't mean to be pessimistic, though I have been that way in the past. But why is this sad story true? Why does this happen?

How can I go back to the past? How can I move on to the future? Why am I so stuck where I am? Why can't I seem to get past everything that has happened? Do the actions of the past have to determine my future? I can't change the past - I can only change the future. Thanks for the reminder, Lori.

I seriously look back on all that has happened this semester, and all that I really see is drama - strife - arguments - and sadness. People were hurt. People's hearts were broken. I'm no stranger to that - and no, I do not ask for your pity. I'm simply stating the facts.

How do people change how they feel so quickly? One moment they're in love with one person, the next, they've moved on to someone completely new. Do they think of that one person still? Or do they continue to not care? If only I knew . . .

Do you notice the recurring pattern? I have questions - lots of them. But I don't have answers. No, I don't have any answers. Where will I find them? Do I even know the answer to that question?

Yes. In fact, I'm in luck. And so are you . . .

I can walk down the street, and I see faces. I see people who are hurt, and people who have been hurt. Sadness is nothing new to the average person. It's a part of life. I go back to college, and almost every day I can spot at least one person who pervays a sad face, who looks depressed, who is just disappointed. No matter where I go, sadness is prevalent. And then I look at myself. I notice that so much of who I am has been made up of all the bad times. I give in to my tears. Yes, everyone cries from time to time. It's a fact. But wow, how much have I been sad lately? It's become controlling, dominating in my life. My sadness, my depression has literally overcome my entire being. I face the drama every day, every morning chapel, every evening meal, and I wonder if it will ever end. I can't help but wince when I see things happen. Somehow that horrible pit in my stomach just keeps coming back. Why do I let my circumstances control me so? Am I that emotionally weak, that unstable, that I cannot breathe because life won't allow me to enjoy it?

I think not. There is more to life than bad circumstance, then sadness, then this horrible feeling of being overcome. There is someone with a bigger plan, a bigger ideal in mind that gives me a reason for waking up everyday.

Who am I? Who is Kristin?

I refuse to let this unhappiness overcome me anymore. I refuse to remain under its strong power. I will not let it control me anymore. I am more than that. God did not intend for us to live our lives in a constant state of sadness - He had a better plan in mind, and how I've lived lately - well, that's certainly not what He wants, I'm sure.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this. I don't know if anyone even does read my blog. It's really not that important. I intended for this blog to be more of something fun, not really involving many serious thoughts of mine. I figure if I'm going to journal, I'm going to do it somewhere that's a little more personal, more private. But I feel like this can be out of the open. I feel like I should be - so here it is, people.